@duplicitron: Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
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@Angibangie: 6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy? - No, that's vodka. Don't touch it. And don't try to dilute it with water when you're 16 I invented that
@ArfMeasures: ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I'm reading] WIFE: You're ruining that Kindle
@thetigersez: Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.