@duplicitron: Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
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@flashember: SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do? [tree hiding in broom closet tenses up] DAD: Nonsense. [tree sighs in relief]
@Brianhopecomedy: They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
@texasstalkermom: Want his attention? Send nudes Want to piss him off? When he responds, reply "Oops, wrong person"