@duplicitron: Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
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@urgeekisshowing: I'm writing a horror story. It's about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it's ok to talk to her. So much blood.
@TheToddWilliams: [family therapy] JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference DOC: Why do you do that? ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
@MattMcElaney: GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I'd rather be "uncool" than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
@ebrawley: Hello, I'm waiter, I'll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok