[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
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“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
inventing words: clothing
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.