Lmfaoooooo
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God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Best spot.. 😅
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?