Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.