@TheTweetOfGod: Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you've already screwed it up.
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@MrEmilyHeller: Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
@aka_fatman: I played the word "mature" in a game of Scrabble. My friend played "immature" and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
@ItsAndyRyan: WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
@LanaAllende: Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare's Hamlet didn't turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham.