Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
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Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”