Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
huge if true: the moon
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”