Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Happy Halloween 🎃
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
are they though??
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing