If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.