I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Flowers bee like
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
why am I working on Labor Day
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet