@cambuslad: Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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@KalvinMacleod: [speed dating] ME: I like your hair HER: OK ME: And your teeth are so smiley HER: You know this is a job interview, right? ME: *rings bell*
@TheBlessMess: Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
@jimmytorosian: Me: That tree is impeckable "Don't you mean impeccable?" *cut to woodpecker with a broken beak* Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?