Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.