Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
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being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev