me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
cyclists
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂