Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.