Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
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I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Social Media and Real life
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.