@TheSharona06: Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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@DanMentos: "If you're having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son." -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it's a boy.
@Fred_Delicious: "son, I've had to throw my golf socks out" "Why dad? cos you got... A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA" "No son. I killed a man. They're covered in blood"
@Skullcat: When a big account that doesn't follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
@juskewitch: If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.