@TheSharona06: Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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@orange_rhymer: Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*
@FancyNancyAnn: I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
@VirgoSherry: My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is.......if it tastes good spit it out.