@TheSharona06: Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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@Leemanish: Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to... you know, "happen" to them.
@Cali_Kid_Mike: Nice try government. But I'm not taking you back until I know where you've been for the last two weeks.
@joejwest: [hat shop] OWNER: Sir stop or I'll call the police UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
@vineyille: "Food expiration dates are lies. It's all about control." My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. "I'm saving this for later."