Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Oh my god
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
#NeverForget
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.