@TheSharona06: Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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@phalguy: My girlfriend's ex won't leave her alone. I'd drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
@SardonicTart: I don't go to the circus. Not because I'm scared of clowns, but because I'm scared of people who go to the circus.