Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
c’mon!
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me when my alarm goes off
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!