Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I have never related to anyone more.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.