Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.