@AimeeHelene1: Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
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@BoozyMusic: My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. "No, I'm a professional," probably wasn't the answer he expected.
@thepunningman: [first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
@thatUPSdude: Your potato salad recipe is not a "family secret", your uncle Ray who cooks meth in his trailer home is a family secret.
@nimble__nick: *At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.