@DulmesKenzie: Today this guy was trying to find his wife in Fred Meyer and he yelled “marco” and she yelled back “polo” and he looks at me and says “that came from the wine section didn’t it” and oh my god I think I just saw my actual future.
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@TheKegKiller: Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card.
@PaperWash: [ouija board] me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E me: ....please stop
@Cravin4: Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
@KalvinMacleod: [funeral] WIFE: remember, don't be stupid ME: *to widow* I'm sorry u lost your husband WIDOW: thank you ME: do u want me to go look for him