my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
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Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
True?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.