ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.