UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
You Might Also Like
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
The real reason evolution started..😂
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.