today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.