Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.