Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Breaking news:
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.