Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind