My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Education is vital
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?