*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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Teach your children to beatbox
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”