Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You Might Also Like
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
tis the season
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now