@Brampersandon_: Today's episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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@juliussharpe: I hate when my congressman emails me to "take action" on an issue. Dude, you're the one in congress, you do something.
@justabloodygame: No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
@envydatropic: I'm not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I'm just saying my dog's breath was minty fresh this morning.
@Orchidano: Big day! I've decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.