Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
why no one uses midhusbands