@Brampersandon_: Today's episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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@Alex_N_Chains: I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
@BlindChow: DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light DOG DRIVER: it was gray! COP: no, it was gray! DRIVER: gray! COP: *starts barking* DRIVER: *barking*
@BlackCatBettie: I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta...so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
@NikiWithIssues: Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers.