@Brampersandon_: Today's episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
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@dariatbh: I hope all the friends I've made in the bathroom at 1am are still SO pretty and everything worked out with that boy they were drunk texting
@sofarrsogud: Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
@slimmy_shady: Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that's not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
@SoVeryBritish: Things that cause extreme panic: - Accidentally liking a Tweet - No milk - Unknown numbers - The question "you don't remember me do you?"