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@botandy: Today's fortune cookie reads: 'you are the only human in this restaurant don't look up'
@stevevsninjas: Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
@Roxtalled: *stands by cucumbers at grocery store
*hides by baby carrots
*gets ego boost
@dafloydsta: Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
@juliussharpe: My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
@bourgeoisalien: Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.