Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
There are usually two types of merchants.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*