Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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*lint rolls you awake*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.