Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
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You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.