Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
August 8
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”