@AaronFullerton: "Today's special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters..."
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@tylerschmall: *walks into Babies R Us* Hi I'd like to buy a baby. "Sir we don't-" *I slide him a 100 dollar bill* "This way please."
@sarcasticmommy4: Me: It's been a while since we've had to take one of the kids to the ER. Trampoline: Hold my beer.