“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
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Real House Wines.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today