Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Generation gap…
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead