My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
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The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there