Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
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[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
For those that worship cheese..
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.