Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time