Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
watergate? u mean a dam??
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.