toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
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I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Morning.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Meow?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.