Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
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It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
😍😂🥰😂😍
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
TODAY
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.