toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The days of good grammer has went
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on