toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Care for your back
I told my vodka about you.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet