toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
why I oughta
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.