Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”