@smilely_gal: Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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@wolfpupy: i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'd like to pay by card." Waiter: "Contactless?" Me: "No, you can cuddle me."
@nowme_datta: How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.