Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Stop it! 😂
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Room with a view.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!