[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.