@iinkedZombie: [toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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@Marlebean: When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so... *hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
@JessObsess: It's so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
@ericsshadow: [on a date] Play it cool don't let her know you're a refrigerator [her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity] "This isn't cool man."
@BuckyIsotope: *visits new girlfriend's house for 1st time* "Make yourself at home" Great. Thanks! *I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*